TURN ADVERSITY INTO ADVANTAGE

As a kid, my walls were always covered in my dreams. Who I wanted to be, where I wanted to go, and sometimes what I wanted to run away from. I spent a lot of time in my room—using it as a way to shield myself from the outside world. In there, no one else could hurt me, call me names, or bully me. I would find safety alone doing projects and dreaming up a life outside of school. There was this quote that stayed up longer than most, “Stand up for what’s right even if that means standing alone”. This has become a pillar of how I approached the rest of my life. My strongest memories from middle school were how badly I didn’t want to go. From the moment my mom woke me up, I dreaded it. I didn’t want to walk through the hallways alone, recess was a game of hiding and praying they wouldn’t seek, and lunchtime was more like a giant panic attack as I tried to find somewhere I could sit—anywhere I could fit in. I spent many lunches making excuses to be in the library, doing something for a teacher, or sitting in a bathroom stall eating my lunch alone. I’ve been cornered, shoved, told that no one liked me, called more names than I can count, and talked about through notes passed right in front of me. I got really great at being alone. As a millennial, the internet was growing right there next to my insecurities. I found safety in technology. I could spend days lost in doing something on a computer. Whether it was learning to code because I was determined to make my MySpace profile way cooler than anyone else, or playing with photoshop and illustrator trying to become an artist like the ones I envied. As an adult, facing the bad habits that were born from my need to protect myself from the bullies has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to overcome. I still battle daily. I push people away. Keep them at an arm’s length. I shut down and run away to my next project. I’m too scared to say hi even though I desperately want to connect.